Choices

I had a long and tearful discussion with Maid Marian tonight. She wants to go to public school for first grade. She was afraid to tell me because she loves me and didn't want to hurt my feelings. She says she loves doing school with me and is learning lots, but that she really wants to try "big girl" school and see what it's like.

My knee jerk reaction is to say no way, you're staying here with me. I don't know how much of that is selfish though. I would miss her! There are lots of reasons why we decided to homeschool, and I knew I wanted to before she was even born. Her favorite subject is Bible, and she wouldn't get that in public. I know that there would be lots of good things that could come from her going too though. I don't want to make a decision without exploring every option.

One big fear I have is that this could be a very short-lived idea. She wants to see what it's like because she's never been. If we decide to do it, and after a week she hates it and wants to come home, then what? I'm not going to be pulling her in and out of school on her whim. She is not the boss of this. I want God to be the boss of this. But my other big fear is that I will not be able to listen to His voice because what I want is so loud. I want her here. And I want her to WANT to be here.

She cried for so long. She was so upset about it. She was afraid that it would make me sad for her to tell me and that I would be angry at her. I hope I was able to reassure her that she can always talk to me about anything.

I am glad she mentioned it before I buy first grade curriculum. But I'm not going to stop looking at it either. We still have a few months before a final decision has to be made. And I just can't get past... what would I do without my girl home with me? She'll be barely six. I know everybody else sends their kids off to school. But I wasn't going to have to. I don't want to. We just finished reading The Voyages of Dr. Doolittle this afternoon. She's learning to subtract. She can count by 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s, and 10s. Her handwriting is improving by leaps and bounds. She can sound out words and read books to herself. And we did that together. The thought of somebody else seeing those moments and being her teacher makes me want to cry.

How much should a kindergartener/first grader be involved in the decision? Is it too heavy-handed to just say, "this is what we're doing and it's not up for discussion" ? And for all I know, she could totally forget about this by tomorrow morning and I'll have stayed up late agonizing for nothing.

Argh. Prayers appreciated.